Where in the world are you?
I'm Ali, and this is where I write down what I can't speak out loud.
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I feel like we’re back to square one.
…but when I think about it, I don’t think we actually ever got to square two…
I hate it when the acting stops and you have to go back to the real world.
The script runs out, your costars leave, and you’re thrust into the next day naked, unprepared, and totally exposed.
I’ll say it once and I’ll say it again:
I’m happy.
Thank you, whoever you are, for caring, but I’m really okay. For me, this blog is to vent; to get things out that I wouldn’t say out loud. It helps. Everyone has a way with dealing with life, and this is mine. What you see here isn’t everything I think, nor is it everything I feel. I know a lot of these posts are sad, but I’ve been through a lot, and everyone needs to let it out sometimes. Keeping emotions bottled up is the worst thing you can do with them, so I don’t. I let them out. Here.
The fact is, I’m really lucky. I love my family, I love my friends, and I am so blessed to have all of the opportunities I’ve had and continue to get. I love being able to go to gymnastics, I love singing in choir even if it means early mornings, and I love acting in the play. I have bad days, yeah, but doesn’t everybody?
The point I’m trying to get across, I guess, is that this blog only makes up a little of who I am and what I feel. So don’t worry, be happy.♥
“I mean, I’ve never done it but I know what it feels like. Well, I’ve done it before, just not when I’m awake.”
Gymnastics dreams.
7 months, 414 posts, and 28 pages later, here I am.
Funny how the first thing I posted about exactly seven months ago when I started this blog was you, and you don’t even know it :)
I had another dream.
I want them gone because they give me false hope when I wake up, but then again, I’m afraid for them to leave in fear that I’ll never see you again.
“Ali Waxman is no longer listed as ‘In A Relationship.’”
Goodbye, my almost lover.
Hello, my best friend.
I’m going to miss you so much when you’re many states away.
On Monday, I am leaving for San Francisco for a few days. Out of my eighteen years of life, I have spent eight of them living in the bay area. Recently, I was asked why northern California was so special to me, and I found it hard to describe. Not only do some of my fondest memories lie there, but being there makes me feel like I’m in a whole different world
There is magic in the atmosphere. Hot, sweltering summers fade into autumn, enveloping the world in a golden aura. Leaves change color and flutter to the ground, freeing themselves from the branches the were tethered to. The days are still long enough to wander the world through dinnertime, but short enough to come running home when the inky darkness of night spills through the sky.
Then the rain comes, washing away warm, autumn nights and replacing them with the short, bitter nights of winter. Every morning, the world wakes to a crystalline world of frost and ice, glistening in the morning light. On those mornings, it seems that everything and everyone is at peace; the world sitting in perfect balance and harmony. Children romp through the frost leaving footprints: a clear pathway following their innocent happiness and radiant joy. These beautiful mornings give way to hushed winter nights.
Curling into heavy, quilted blankets, slowly waiting for sleep to overtake it, the earth waits. The world is once again at rest, readying itself for another bright, brisk morning. Slowly but surely, these glass mornings melt away, leaving dew to nourish the newly emerging world. Bugs timidly rise from the ground and slowly open to expose themselves to the world. Wind chimes sing softly in the breeze, carrying their beautiful melody to the ears of those wise enough to listen.
The mountains are covered in green, like ladies dripping with fine emerald jewels. The days slowly stretch longer; the sun fighting to stay above the horizon. The sun grows stronger and starts to stay longer; reluctant to set behind the rolling hills. Not only does it stay longer, but it burns brighter. Heat waves leave mirages above the street, and all living creatures flock to what little shade is offered by the trees. The heat is blistering, and just when everyone starts to adjust to it, the heat fades, and the cycle starts all over again.
When I wake in the north, each day seems brimming with possibility. Friends seems to greet me at each corner, and in each new place I travel to, endless opportunities wait. It gives me the feeling that I can conquer anything. The day is mine. It gives one the hope for a better tomorrow, and the strength to make it that way.
This is why I love northern California.
I always want to speak with a British accent after reading or watching Harry Potter. It’s a problem.
Every piece of mail I get from a college, whether it be online or snail mail, is just another cruel reminder of how seriously my life is screwed over.
Please stop sending me mail. Please stop reminding me of what could would should be doing.
1. I really don’t think anybody’s going to read this, but I like reading these things when other people do them, so I’m doing it.
2. I had surgery when I was four to remove my adenoids because I got an ear infection that was so bad that I couldn’t hear anymore.
3. I think one of my biggest problems is that I’m too nice and want to please everyone.
4. I think the biggest problem may be that I expect people to be nice to me and care as well.
5. My best friend is Sarah MacDonald; we’ve been friends for 14 years. We made up an anniversary because we couldn’t remember when we met because we were so young.
6. I love llamas. I have these huge stuffed ones. They’re awesome.
7. I used to be best friends with Kelly McAleer.
8. I gymnastic hypocrite. I tell everyone else to go for it because I know they can, while I’ve been stuck on the same skill for years out of fear.
9. It’s hard for me to imagine “growing up.”
10. I am the oldest triplet by one minute, then two minutes.
11. Veva and I used to always sing “A Thousand Miles” on her karaoke machine.
12. Jaclyn and I always Britney Spears songs at a restaurant’s karaoke night.
13. I don’t like most fruits, but I love vegetables.
14. My hair used to be down to my waist.
15. I literally dream in music. I wish I was good enough to write it down and reproduce it, but it’s stuck in my head forever.
16. I think the lead singer of Nickelback looks like a bull terrier. He creeps me out.
17. I love Judy Garland, Audrey Hepburn, etc.
18. I am obsessed with the musical Wicked.
19. I love to dance, but I’m pretty sure I’m not that good at it.
20. I wish people wouldn’t think of me as awkward.
21. I really like theatre.
22. I don’t realize that my voice shakes sometimes.
23. Drama Class was hysterical and unproductive.
24. Once Upon A Mattress was bittersweet for me, but I wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything.
25. When I was eleven, I was the lead in the play The Twelve Dancing Princesses. Embarassing. I’m pretty sure I’ve blocked out all memory of it.
26. I love to sing.
27. I love Disney movies.
28. It drives me crazy when people say they love The Beatles but can only name popular songs like “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.”
29. I hate autotune. If you can’t perform live and without it, you suck. Face it.
30. I hate the Twilight series. Stephenie Mayer is NOT a good author. At. All.
31. On the flip side, I love Harry Potter.
32. I read. A lot. In fact, I read about 100 books a year. I kept track once.
33. For once I’d love to be graceful.
34. I hate it when people ask if I’m anorexic or call me skeletal.
35. I spent most of my life wishing I weighed more.
36. My parents were both theater majors.
37. I have been playing the piano for ten years.
38. I am in love with gymnastics. In fact, I do it in my dreams, because I know I’ll never reach that level in real life.
39. I never know what to do with my hair. It is red, curly, and huge. People with straight hair have it so much easier, no matter what they say.
40. I have been legitimately depressed before.
41. I absolutely loathe my sickness. I am so tired of so many doctors, shots, pills, and other remedies. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I think this is why I like to help other people; because I can’t help myself.
42. I love the song Only Hope by Mandy Moore.
43. It really hurts when people assume that I’m faking sick or trying to get attention. If you don’t understand, ask me, don’t assume.
44. I am “double jointed.”
45. I have secrets that no one knows.
46. I love my poodle :)
47. I have the best parents anyone could ever ask for.
48. I love A Goofy Movie.
49. It’s hard for me to let people in sometimes, because it seems that every person that I have let in has left.
50. Some people think I look 14. Others think I look 20. I don’t get it.
51. In first grade, I was reading at a fourth grade level. In third grade, I was reading at a seventh grade level. By fifth grade, I was reading at a college level.
52. Last year, I was pretty sure you liked me. You know who you are. We still do that thing where we see each other at a distance and pretend the other’s not there. You never treated me like everyone else, and you still don’t. I always wonder why.
53. I have moved five times.
54.I moved to Simi Valley in 2005.
55. The idea that some people grow up in the same house that they’re born in is strange to me.
56. I love photography, so I take a lot of pictures.
57. I am a quarter Russian and a quarter German. The rest is Irish, English, and Scottish.
58. I can trace my family history on my mom’s side back to the 1600s.
59. I don’t have any cousins.
60. I am obsessed with the acro dance routine “Fall of An Angel.”
61. I did band for one year. I played the clarinet.
62. I have been in choir for seven years.
63. I miss singing SATB.
64. I miss last year’s Chamber Singers.
65. I adore northern California.
66. I hated Mrs. Gantka. Ninth grade honors English.
67. Sometimes I wish it had been me.
68. I have gone through way too much.
69. My ears bleed when anyone starts to play “A Thousand Miles” on the piano and thinks they’re hot stuff.
70. I love the show 8 Simple Rules. John Ritter was amazing.
71. I want to take a dance class, but I don’t want to be alone.
72. I still have my old Gameboy Advance.
73. I cried during choir while singing Tears In Heaven.
74. Sometimes I don’t know why people mean so much to me. I try not to care, but I can’t help it.
75. I try very hard to be kind to everyone I meet. Seriously.
76. Everyone wants to be an individual, therefore they’re all the same.
77. I don’t like it when people say they’re “random,” because they’re totally not.
78. When I was little and wouldn’t go to sleep, my parents would play the soundtrack to the Charlie Brown Christmas episode.
79. I laugh at myself before anyone else can.
80. I hate the feeling on chalk on my hands.
81. I don’t really mind needles anymore.
82. When I was in preschool, I spent a long time teaching myself how to do the monkey bars. I got huge blisters on the palms of my hands, but still tried every day until I got it.
83. I dislike rude people.
84. When I was little, I fell off the balance beam headfirst. Oddly enough, beam is my favorite event.
85. I love the song “Being Alive” from Company.
86. Sometimes I wonder who we would look like if my sisters and I were identical.
87. I can crack every joint in my body.
88. Christmas time is my absolute favorite time of year.
89. I wish I could just hear Frank Sinatra’s voice all the time.
90. I can curl my toes under and stand on them. It doesn’t hurt.
91. I can do the splits.
92. I’m supposed to wear glasses, but I only wear them during class. I constantly wore them since I was nine.
93. I love to write.
94. I don’t know if there’s one thing I’m really spectacular at.
95. My eyelashes are light red, so I wear mascara.
96. Sometimes I think I would’ve made a good cheerleader, but then again I can’t stand them.
97. I have lost six loved ones in three years. Every time I think it’s the last, but it always happens again.
98. I hate complaining about my life because I know I am so blessed and lucky to be where I am.
99. I think it’s funny when girls have fake tans but put pale cover-up on their faces so it’s a different color than their body is.
100. You don’t even know.
“Somebody, crowd me with love,
Somebody, force me to care,
Somebody, make me come through,
I’ll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive
Being alive”
Is not what it used to be.
If Will kisses another woman I will cry.
If another celebrity guest stars, I will scream.
As I was looking for something to read, I realized one of the many books I was looking through had your name written on the pages in thick, dark marker. I thought about bringing it back to you so that other kids in your class could read it.
Then I realized, I’ll never be able to. You’re not here anymore.
