Saturday:

My first day on Provigil, which is a stimulant to wake me up in the morning. Work was amazing, and I had a LOT of energy. I actually almost felt like a normal person, which is saying a LOT. Of course, it all had to go downhill when I started to get a headache. I took a nap, but it didn’t go away. I went to bed early.

Sunday:

I woke up at 4:30 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I got out of bed at around 8:30. I hate not being able to sleep. Sleep is my ONE escape from the pain, and when I don’t have that…it scares me. It’s a living hell. I was able to fall asleep again at about one, so I slept until about four. 

Sunday, Erik came home! He rang the doorbell and left a postcard giving me directions to go around the corner, and he was standing there with a sock monkey! :D I have a thing about sock monkeys. I think they’re totally awesome. I was SO glad to see Erik, and it was just perfect and ahhh :D 

So we watched a little bit of TV and then my body decides, “hey, why not make this a little more interesting and get a migraine?” My headache from the day before STILL hadn’t gone away, and it was getting worse. My muscles in my neck hurt worse than they ever had before. I went upstairs to bed, took and imitrex, and tried to sleep while Erik massaged my neck and shoulders and tried to comfort me to sleep. I tried for a couple hours to sleep, and I couldn’t. It wasn’t going away AT ALL and I couldn’t. sleep. I asked Erik to get my dad, and he tried to massage it away too, but it didn’t help at all and I was just sobbing. It was horrible. I hurt SO badly and NOTHING was even touching the pain. 

I told him I needed to go to the hospital. I could barely move, and my dad didn’t want to call an ambulance, so he half-carried me down the stairs and into the car with Erik in the backseat. I was SUPER sensitive to light. I clutched a handkerchief to my eyes to block out all the light. When we got there, Erik wheeled me in in a wheelchair while my dad parked. I got triaged and soon got a bed, which was good because sitting up hurt REALLY badly. It was Memorial Day weekend, so of course, it took forever to be seen. I just wanted the earth to swallow me whole. I was in SO much pain, and I was afraid nothing was going to help. I had to listen to some kid in the next room throw up a million times, which deeeefinitely helped my nausea. I just tried to concentrate on breathing. 

The doctor finally saw me and then it took a bit to get the drugs. They gave me four different things. One knocked me out and made me so sleepy, it was delicious. Lately, I haven’t been able to sleep, and it felt SO good just to be able to drift to sleep…I’d wake up and hear random patients or my dad and Erik talking. There was this teenager that the sheriff brought in who was totally cursing out his parents. Classy. But the pain just stopped and my limbs were wonderfully heavy and I just wanted to sleep…wonderful sleep.

I could barely talk to the doctor when he asked how I was doing, but I was doing better, so I got discharged. We made it home at about three in the morning and I slept until one pm the next day. Beautiful, beautiful sleep.

Monday: 

I felt a lot better on Monday. I didn’t have anything to do, either. Gym was cancelled for Memorial Day. Erik came over after work, and we watched The Secret World of Arietty. It was different because Miyazaki wasn’t the one to direct it; it was more Americanized. We watched Baggage and totally lost it during this news report because this guy’s last name was Hamburger…and it was about this guy’s memorial service. It was horrible, but we couldn’t stop laughing! I love those moments :) 

Tuesday:

I had to go to the dentist this morning for a cleaning. I hate everything about the dentist. My appointment was at 10:30, and I woke up at 10, so I just threw on some clothes, brushed my teeth, and went. That was fine, then I went home and took a looong nap. 

Gymnastics was really fun, because I convinced Keith that we should warm up with the parachute. Everyone knows that those parachutes that you played with in elementary school during P.E. are THE BOMB! We did a freaking LOT of hollow body holds and rocks. Those can get hard for me because since I have scoliosis, my back won’t lie flat on the ground. There’s a dip in my lower back, and it won’t touch the ground when I’m lying on my back unless I bring my knees to my chest. I’m starting to do things on my own again, like standing back handsprings. Oh, gymnastics would be so much easier if I were shorter and didn’t have a mental block. I don’t know why my body hates back handsprings so much, but it does. I’d rather throw a tuck than a back handspring. I’m kind of backwards that way. I did a lot of pull ups and tuck-ups. Our funditioning was dodgeball, and we did burpees if we got hit with the ball. It was really fun :) 

and now I’m going to go eat and watch Dance Moms Miami or something.

Yay! 

:D

I am drained.

I woke up this morning still really tired, but I couldn’t go back to sleep, which sucked. I couldn’t get up, so I lie in bed texting and playing Angry Birds until I could. When I did get up, all I did was move to another bed to watch tv. I made it downstairs for food, but I basically stayed in bed until it was time to get dressed and leave for my psychiatrist appointment to get my meds rearranged again, yaaaay!

My mom is hilarious. I love my family. We were sitting on the couch making inside jokes and laughing so hard that we couldn’t hear the receptionist call my name. 

You know you’re in deep shiz when the doctor asks if you have good insurance. I don’t even want to know how much these drugs would cost without them. Thank goodness I get my parents’ insurance until I’m 26, because I need these meds.

After that, I met Jamie at her house and we went out to eat at Olive Garden. We saw our friend Sam, who works there. I love her! I hadn’t seen her in a long time, so it was really good to see her. :) We tried to see Avengers for the third time, but for the third time, it was front row only. Instead, we walked around the mall. We went into the puppy store and they were all SO CUTE! :D I want one. Badly. The cashier at Aerie totally made my day and complimented my hair and said that I looked like Kate Winslet in Titanic! :D

We went to Starbucks and then I went home, because the energy was being sucked out of me by this thing called chronic illness. I’ve been noticing that when I get tired like this, it’s really hard for me to converse with people and answer questions. I’m kind of far away, and I can’t snap back. I have to focus. It’s weird. For example, I’ve been typing this for twenty minutes because I can’t focus on it. 

Oh, there was this thing in the mall that scanned your body to help you find the brand and size jeans that fit you the best. It prints out your matches and tells you what brand they are, what size you’d be, and how much they cost. It’s weird to see how sizes vary. Like in Hollister jeans, I’m a zero, and in another brand, I’m a 5/6. Mostly, I’m a three, though sometimes my butt says otherwise. And apparently in European brands I’m 26, which is great because I never knew how those sizes worked and which one I would be and now I do. 

I miss Erik.

I’m going to go mindlessly play some Angry Birds or something. I’m tired.

This is my first one-day post in a while!

I woke up and I hurt. It was my legs this time. My joints were not happy with me for whatever reason. I get shin splints, too. The only way I can describe shin splints is to picture in your mind a cheese grater grating your bones. It’s like that.

Erik came over for a couple minutes to say goodbye really quickly before he left for Vegas. He gave me a kitkat :D Those are my favorite! 

I had to sleep for a loooooong time. I slept until about 7:30, I think. I woke up, and my neck was totally knotted on one side. Lame. I keep having really realistic dreams and then waking up confused. It’s awkward and uncomfortable. It makes me feel like I’ve been hallucinating or time traveling or something. It’s really strange to experience.

I got up, had dinner, and watched the behind-the-scenes episode of House: Swan Song. It was really cool to see, and such a great end to a brilliant series. :) Hugh Laurie is SO talented! 

I took a shower. I know I shed a lot of loose hairs, but I’ve been losing more than normal, lately, and it kind of scares me. I’m going to ask one of my doctors about it tomorrow…I’m nervous. I had a big clump in my hand that could barely make it down the drain. :/

I watched some of sytycd. I love that show. :) There are always REALLY interesting people on it. There was this guy who came from friggin JAPAN to audition! He didn’t make it, though. It’s fun to see all the different types of dancing, good and bad. The auditions can be both captivating and hilarious.

Actually, I think I’m going to go finish that episode now…

I’m sitting here downstairs blogging and my mom is texting me pictures of weird looking animals because she can’t fall asleep. All is right with the world.

Tuesday:

Basically spent the whole day at Erik’s house and cemented my status as a game show BOSS. I seriously need to go on a game show. I was watching Chain Reaction for the first time, and I got the seven letter phrase with only the two given words multiple times. And I’m a boss at family feud. Erik and I would OWN at The Newlywed Game. We always beat the actual contestants. We’re legit. 

Erik showed me this show this dad likes to watch called Call of the Wildman and it’s RIDICULOUS. I mean, the guy on the show…omfg. He’s this guy from the backwoods of Kentucky that somehow makes a living by getting rid of unwanted animals. For example, he was hired by this cow farmer to get rid of these snapping turtles that were in this huge pond that the cows went to cool off in or whatever, SO HE DIVES HEADFIRST INTO THIS POND OF ALGAE AND FERMENTED COW MANURE. And what does he do? HE PULLS OUT TWO SNAPPING TURTLES WITH HIS BARE HANDS. What does he get paid? $55 and a few glasses of milk. Seriously. Then, he went to go get rid of this raccoon, but he put protection on, and by “protection,” I mean a jacket and gardening gloves. So he got it and was paid $65 and went and set it free. This guy is crazy. I’m surprised he hasn’t gotten some serious disease yet.

Wednesday:

I woke up early and went over to wake up Erik, because that’s a thing we do. Normally the door is left unlocked, but it was locked this time, so I rang the doorbell…nothing. I called Erik twice. Nothing. Then I decided to be a creep and knock on his bedroom window. BINGOOO :)

But the sweetest thing: Erik asked if I wanted to go meet his coworker since he had to pick up something from work anyway, and I said maybe when I didn’t look like a hobo, referring to my Ronald McDonald hair, yoga pants with holes, no makeup, and general hobo look, and his honest knee-jerk reaction was, “What do you mean? You look beautiful.” He honestly didn’t get why I wouldn’t want to go out looking like I was. I’m pretty sure my jaw dropped a little. He’s the best! :D <3

We were watching tv, and BAM. I got hit with the CFS. My body said it was time to sleep, and I couldn’t fight it, soooo I kind of fell asleep on top of him. Eventually, he put me to bed and I slept for a few hours. I felt like crap so I couldn’t go to finale with Jamie and I felt really bad :( I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the lights and sound and noise. I hate having to cancel plans, especially with my best friend! 

I went home and helped Brenna wash Dodger. He totally knew it was coming. He somehow knew the bath was for him, and he started running around and trying to bite me when I picked him up, but I eventually got him in the tub. He gets really nervous or scared in the bathtub and it’s so sad! I was holding his face so he would be comforted, and he was giving me the saddest little expression! His legs start shaking. It’s sad. 

I watched the series finale of House. I’m so sad it’s over! It’s SO well written and acted. Hugh Laurie is BRILLIANT, and I love Robert Sean Leonard. The scene with Foreman and Wilson was a little triggering, because I’ve been in that position. I can’t believe it’s over, though! I’m gonna have to console myself by watching the DVDs. That show is seriously amazing.

I need my own Dr. House.

She was struck down; it was her doom.

Sorry, but I don’t really feel like recapping the past four days, and I don’t think my brain can handle it.

I got sick in the middle of gym. Got dizzy, shaky, cold, sweaty, and had stomach problems. I’m in a fog, right now. When I get like this, it feels like I’m in slow-motion. It’s hard for me to think straight, and it’s REALLY hard for me to hold a simple conversation. It’s hard for me to write this. My body’s kind of on autopilot. 

After I had locked myself in the gym bathroom, I realized that I don’t even care that people know or what they think of it anymore. It happens when it happens, and there’s nothing I can do to control it. I’m not going to make it worse by not taking the time I need to recover and stabilize just to save face. I will sit in that bathroom as long as it takes, even when everybody comes knocking on the door. I will tell them I’m okay until I really am. I will sit down while everyone else does gymnastics. I will do whatever I need to do to stay alive.

I had sat down for a while, so I tried a press handstand. It was great, until I got up. Huge head rush. I collapsed against a stack of mats and closed my eyes and grimaced unintentionally. Primal reaction. 

I miraculously drove home, and collapsed on the bed next to my mom while my dog licked me to try to make me feel better. I lie there for a while until I was stable enough to change out of my leotard and into my pajamas. My body was extremely pale. My hands were clammy. I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw my hip bones jutting out through the thin fabric of my underwear, and my ribs expanding and contracting as I inhaled and exhaled. I got a flashback to December and January when I was really sick and only 95 pounds on my 5’6 frame. When I get really weak like that, it hurts for my body to live. It hurts for my heart to beat, my lungs to fill with air, and blood to pump through my body. I can feel it all, and it hurts. Surviving hurts.

I looked at my pale face and my green eyes. There was sweat on my brow, and my curly hair was poking out of my braided ponytail at strange angles. I could still find myself in there. I could still see me through whatever was gripping me. I wasn’t totally lost, but it would be easy for me to become lost in all that pain.

It hits me so quickly. It’s like I’m standing on the beach and it’s sunny out and the water is calm, and in a second, the sky turns grey and I’m hit by a huge tsunami that knocks me off my feet and tries to drag me out to sea. There’s no knowing when that switch is going to be flipped, and that’s the hardest part. I could be anywhere doing anything. That’s why I get anxious about traveling: because it could happen when I’m in between point A and point B and then what?

It’s the one thing I’m afraid of. It’s the one thing that’s kept me from doing so much. I remember when I was little, my mom would tell me how she wanted me to be able to go places and see the world, and I wished I could too. But I can’t.

I have spent my entire life constantly monitoring my body and the smallest changes I feel. I have spent years swallowing twenty pills a day, having needles pushed into my arms, hands, forearms, face, neck, legs, feet, and butt. I am used to hearing my own blood spatter into a test tube. I am used to hearing empty promises and being given invisible, incurable diagnoses. I am used to crying, I am used to having to cancel plans, I  am used to people criticizing me for what they cannot see or understand. These are things that nobody should have to be used to.

I hate it when my body gives out on me during gymnastics. Gymnastics is supposed to be the one thing that I am good at and the one sport that takes my mind away from all of that sickness. It’s the one thing I’m supposed to be able to do no matter what. I’m supposed to be good at it despite all I am. I’m supposed to OVERCOME. But then I can’t. The gym is the one place where I feel the strongest in mind and body. It’s the one place where I can see my hard work pay off, but then I’m struck down in the middle of one, one hour work out that I can only do twice a week or I miss my chance, and it’s not fair. Suddenly, I don’t feel powerful anymore. I feel weak and pathetic. I watch my friends tumble, work, and succeed, and all I can do is sit on a mat with my arms wrapped around my stomach trying not to vomit or pass out. 

I realize that this is probably painful to read, but I need to let it out. With this medication change and two major attacks in three days…it just knocks me down. I know that I will make it through this and that I will be okay, but I also know that this will happen again, most likely a lot sooner than anyone thought.

And you know what’s ironic? Today’s the day I officially ended therapy. 

I know that the happiness in my life largely outweighs all of this, and that it always will. Love is louder than all the pain that I go through on a daily basis, and it’s much louder than all of these attacks that I have. So yeah, I may feel like this from time to time, but I know that there is SO much happiness out there waiting for me. I know that I have so much love to fall back on, and so many people to hold me while I cry, and I will always love them so much and be forever grateful for all that they do for me. 

I’m just really sad that this makes them sad, too. My mom and I were talking to my therapist today about how I don’t really talk about my feelings to a whole lot of people, and it’s because a lot of them have to do with pain and all of this, and so it’s easy to feel like a downer or a burden, even though I know I’m neither. I write here instead.

I know that I will be able to look back on these words that I wrote and know that I got past that. I got past the pain, frustration, and sadness. I left it behind. I was strong enough to not let it consume me. I was strong enough to move on, and I was brave enough to keep fighting. 

“Brave.”

That’s a word that people use to describe me. I used to deny it, because I don’t know any other way than to keep going. And now there’s a movie coming out called “Brave” with a main character that looks exactly like me. I know that I’m brave, but I also know that I’m just doing what I have to. What other choice is there? I can’t let this take over my life. I can’t do that. I would be failing by default. I would never be happy if I did that, so I chose happiness:I chose to fight.

I’m Ali Waxman, and I choose to fight.

Tuesday:

Erik woke me up in the morning :) He got to stay for a while before he had to go to work, too, and I loved that. I was really awake that day, because this new medicine I’m taking isn’t sedating like so many of the others I’m taking are, so it makes a difference. 

I got ready for gymnastics, and Tony and Erik came to pick me up and go to gym with me. I was kind of nervous, because there wasn’t any tape for my ankle, and I haven’t worked out without it taped up since the injury. Plus, last week, it did the same thing it did when I initially tore it, but obviously without as much force, so it’s been bothering me lately. Hailey was back! My aerial was great. I was nervous for back tumbling because of all the pounding my ankle takes, but it was actually really good. I’ve got the right rhythm and rebound back, so I’ll probably go back to tucks and layouts this summer. On July 12th, it will be a year since my injury. It’s seriously the best feeling in the world to be able to tumble full out.

Afterwards, Tony and Erik dropped me off at home so I could shower while they went to eat. Right after that, we went to see The Hunger Games because Tony hadn’t seen it yet. We were the only people in the theater, until TWO people came in at the last second! SO CLOSE!!! It was all fine until I started hiccuping…RIGHT AT THE CLIMAX OF THE MOVIE. 

My hiccups are not normal. They sound really weird, they’re loud, and they never go away quickly. I hiccuped throughout the rest of the movie and aaaaall the way home. I hiccuped for about an hour. Seriously. I am not joking. 

Wednesday:

I woke up restless, which I now know is indeed a withdrawal symptom. Those doctors who stuffed me full of medication can seriously stick that in their juice box and SUCK IT because they’ve pretty much messed me up for life. I’ve definitely seen more than my fair share of crackpots and weirdos. 

Anyway, I’m not used to this. I’m used to the polar opposite of this. I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling restless and always having to move. I don’t like having racing thoughts that I can’t control or keep up with. I don’t like not being able to sleep. Sleep is my ONLY escape from this pain, and when I don’t have that, there is nothing I can do. It’s torture. I can’t run away from myself, you know. Sleep is the only way out when I’m feeling really crappy and can’t take it, and without that, I am going crazy. I hate it.

Brenna and I went to Target because I needed a new bra. IT SUCKS when an awesome bra breaks. Girls know what I’m talking about. Also, some of the cutest bras are the most uncomfortable! I think they must have been designed by men. It would make sense…

Then we went to this new ice cream/frozen yogurt place called Sub Zero, where you pick your flavor and toppings/mix ins and they flash freeze it right in front of you with liquid nitrogen! It’s LEGIT! Plus it’s really good ice cream, too :) Baskin Robbins is still my favorite, though.

My sisters are seriously so awesome, though. I love Brenna so much; she told me the sweetest thing! She was saying how I could live with her if I wanted because she wanted to make sure I could have a life and not live at home but still be taken care of because I’m sick and will probably end up on disability. It was seriously the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me, and is further proof that she is just plain AWESOME. I mean, how many people would do that for their sister? I know my family’s really weird because we all genuinely love each other, but I am so grateful for it. My family is AMAZING and I would not be here without them.

And then Erik came over and we watched Baggage. That show is SO entertaining! It’s also fun to Meisner them and see if we guess the baggage correctly, and most of the time we do. It’s such an interesting concept though; finding out someone’s baggage on the “first date” and choosing who to date based off of that. Some are seriously crazy.

Then, we went to In n Out to get something to eat, because we were hungry and In n Out is kind of our thing. So we ate and just talked forever. I love that we can do that. :) I love that we can talk about anything, and if we ever disagree, we always talk through it and get it resolved. It also helps that we can’t keep anything from each other. MEISNER. lol. But seriously. I love just talking about life in the middle of the night with him :)

Thursday:

I could not wake up this morning. Could not. I ended up sleeping until about 1:30. I was up for a few hours, then I had to sleep again, and I slept until 7:30. My brain feels all fuzzy. It’s strange, because I still feel restless to a degree, but I feel SO TIRED. I just feel off today, and I don’t like it. I couldn’t do anything today. Everything feels wrong. I hurt, and everything’s a little fuzzy. I feel like an allergy sufferer in a commercial that needs to get “Claritan clear.” Too bad Claritan’s not going to help me here. I haven’t eaten a lot, and I don’t really want to. Food doesn’t look good. I’ve been getting hot, lately. I feel unfocused. Everything hurts a bit. I hate having that pain behind my eyes. It sucks.

So today was not fantastic.

I’m supposed to up my clonezepam to deal with the withdrawal from the flexiril, and it just makes me nervous whenever I switch up my medication, especially since I have a doctor’s appt in LA tomorrow, so it’s going to be a long day. I just really, really hope I feel well.

I need to.

My rings I wear every day :)

JUST MISSED 11:11!

Crap.

Well, this morning I got up at 9:30 to go wake up Erik :) It’s summer for us now, so we decided that today I’d wake him up and tomorrow he’d wake me up. We’re kind of adorable like that. I told him before if he wasn’t asleep to pretend so I could wake him up anyway. lol.

My body was like, “Hey, I see you’re trying to have a good day. Let me ruin it for you!” though and I pretty much fell asleep as soon as I sat on his bed. The past couple days I’ve had this weird, electric-y pain feeling in my arms and legs, most likely from the new medicine or withdrawal from the old one. So that was nice. Add in some CFS, and that’s what happened. 

I had those weird hallucination dreams, like I was dreaming with my eyes open. I’d dream that Erik got up to get ready for work, and my eyes would pop open and he’d be right there in front of me because he said he’d stay with me. It’s trippy, and I don’t like it. It confuses me, and it’s freaking EXHAUSTING. And of course, I had the big fall-back-into-your-body kind of jolt when I woke up again. It seriously feels like I’ve had some sort of out-of-body experience and I’m falling back into my body when that happens. No me gusta.

So he went to work and I went home, where I slept for another four or five hours. You know. The usual.

I woke up drenched in sweat with all of my muscles clenched. I was freezing, even though I had pajama pants, a shirt, and a sweatshirt on. Yeaaah night sweats! I hate them. I got up to eat and food was gross. I didn’t like it. I was hungry, but my body didn’t want to eat. 

So I didn’t do much today. I didn’t go to therapy or gymnastics. I really don’t have a reason to go to the former anymore, and I woke up ten minutes before I would have had to leave for the gym, and I didn’t feel well, so I couldn’t do it. Hopefully I’ll be able to make it tomorrow. 

Why can’t I just be healthy?

So I’ll derp around on the computer some more and watch some gymnastics or something and then go to bed, and then I’ll see Erik first thing in the morning :D yay!

Saturday:

No work. I slept mostly all day, then took a shower and went over to Erik’s house when he was done with work. We went back to the mall to get his jacket and credit card and to get a card for his mom for Mother’s Day. We also went to the puppy store!! :D THEY WERE SO ADORABLE!!! There were two bigger dogs, one was a lab, and they were just lying on their backs play-biting each other. And there were little ones rolling around and one was just hopping around and it was SO CUTE! :D THEY WERE SO FLUFFY! There was one in the open area that TOTALLY wanted Erik to take him home and was grabbing onto the arm of his jacket and everything! SO FRIGGIN CUTE! :’D I love puppies. I just want to take them home and love them! 

It was Tony’s birthday, so we went over to his house for his party. We played Jenga and had pizza and cake. We played Rockband for the rest of the night. I really like Tony and the rest of Erik’s friends :) They’re awesome, and I fit in well with them. Tony just texted me and told me that last night when he had to talk to Erik alone, he told him not to mess it up with me and he’d kill him if he did because I’m the only one of his girlfriends that he’s actually liked. It’s an ongoing joke that I’m “The Favorite.” Frick yeaaaaah! But anyway I had a lot of fun :)

Sunday:

I felt restless all day. My body still feels electric-y, most likely from the new rx and the withdrawal from the old one, but it’s uncomfortable. I got cfs tired and had to sleep, but I could only sleep for spurts of twenty minutes, and it was really frustrating!

I finally made it out of bed and really, I’ve just been resting all day. It’s kind of hard because I am so, so tired, but I still feel restless. It’s like an unstoppable object meeting an immovable force. I feel both at the same time, but neither dims. I straightened my hair, which was pretty much the adventure for today.

Tomorrow will be better :)

Sorry for the complete lack of personal posts this past week; it was finals week! I am officially DONE with my first year of college! So let’s recap this week:

Monday:

I didn’t have any finals, so I went in that afternoon to work on my final project for design, which was working on that fricking scale model. It’s PAINSTAKING. I seriously cannot emphasize that enough. I went to therapy and gymnastics, and then had to go BACK for FOUR MORE HOURS. I spent a total of eight hours working on that sucker that day. Also, I stepped off of a six inch platform and my bad ankle was totally like “hahaha eff you” and collapsed like it did when I tore everything, so now it’s sore and lame and my ligaments aren’t happy. Gymnastics was good that night, though. Decent aerials and Arabians. I worked on standing back tucks again for the first time since the whole ankle thing. I vault like a boss, even though I hate it. I’m pretty powerful for a small girl. Round off arabians…the last time I did those I didn’t even land on the cloud. I landed on the floor. From the tumbl trak. lol. It was good though. I finally got home at 1:30 and went to bed.

Tuesday:

I had my design final at 10:30 and killed that thing. I mean, Erik Klein kind of took over like he normally does and implied in front of the whole class that Illissa was an idiot, but it was DOOONE! All I had to do after that was submit my vectorworks stuff online and I was DONE. It was AMAAAAZING! Hardest class ever. Seriously. 

and then I hung out with Erik all day until it turned midnight and was his birthday! :D I also met his friend Tony and we went to In n Out with him, which was awesome.

Wednesday:

Erik’s 21st birthday! :D I did my religion final, which I just found out I got a solid B on, so I’m happy. After that, I went home, got Erik’s presents, and brought them to him. I made him a cd of 21 songs that make me think of him, and my family got him some stuff, too. My sister wanted to get him a man thong, loooool! I drove him to work, went home, took a nap, picked him up, then we had dinner with his family. I like dropping him off and driving his car. It feels like we’re married. :) 

Then we went back to his dorm so he could change for his birthday party at Borderline, a line dancing club and bar. My sister got him some Axe, and the name of it was “Dark Temptations,” LOL! The names of guy scents are fricking hilarious. It smells awesome, though. Not like that one type of Axe that everyone used in middle school. 

Borderline was AWESOME! I was DD, obviously. I don’t want to drink, and even if I did, it would kill me because of all the meds I take. I made him drink a glass of water for every alcoholic drink he had so he wouldn’t get all horrible dehydrated and hungover since alcohol is a diuretic. A lot of our friends came, and I danced a LOT. I learned a couple new dances, too :) It’s also SO interesting to people watch there, too. It’s fascinating. I could pick out two girls who were visibly anorexic and had anorexic tendencies, and that made me sad, especially since it was one of their birthdays. BUT ALSO, Tony and our friend Jessie were TOTALLY into each other, and it was so cool, because Jessie NEVER acts like that toward anyone. We totally set them up together afterwards and now they have a date on Wednesday ;D Aw yeah. But it was a REALLY fantastic night, and I’m so glad I got to be there! :)

Thursday:

Meisner final at 2pm. Well, we rehearsed until about  2:55 then performed for the audience, since I had to leave at 3. My scene was first anyway, so that was good. We’d been working on these scenes all semester, so I was really excited. I got the blinders effect while I was onstage, then didn’t really remember what had happened afterwards, which is a really good sign. You always want that. My family said it really did sound like a conversation, which was great. I had to leave right after that, and Markus was so nice. I mean, he thanked ME and called me sweetie and said he’d email me. I seriously feel like one of his daughters. He is AWESOME and I am so sad that I’m not going to have Meisner over the summer! :( We’ll see what he says when he emails me. 

After that, we went to this psychiatrist whom I have been waiting months to see. The problem is that I have stuffed full of medications and have been on so many for so long that we don’t know if some are hurting more than helping. I had to fill out one of those “9 symptoms of major depression” things. I’ve filled those out before, the most recent before this being the beginning of this year. It asks you questions about things like feeling hopeless, feeling better off dead, etc. and you circle a number 0-4 based on how often you feel that way, 0 being never and 4 being every day. I was filling it out, and almost everything was a zero, and that has NEVER happened before. It’s been such a dramatic change this year, and I am SO grateful for it. I was really taken aback by it. 

I’m happy now.

I ended up stopping taking 10mg of flexiril/cyclobenzaprine a day and switching to 800mg of skelaxin. I know that sounds like a freaking lot of medicine, because it is, but 10mg of something can be equal to 800 of another. Skelaxin isn’t supposed to be sedating like flexeril is, and that’s one of my major problems.

After that, I went with Erik and Tony to Starbucks to meet Kelsey and Michelle. It was awesome. I LOVE Kelsey and Michelle is awesome, and it was so great to be able to go out and just talk with them. :) I loved it! I’m really going to miss Kelsey a lot this summer. We just get each other. We don’t even have to put things in words; we just know. She just gets it, and I am so grateful for that.

I am so weird. I was walking with Erik and Tony, and there was this fantastic stick on the ground that would make a legit wand or something. It was the right shape and size, and in the middle of our conversation, I just said, “That’s a really AWESOME stick,” totally seriously, and Erik was just like, “…I LOVE you.” I frickin love our relationship. I am so in love with this guy. I love being able to be strange with him. Like after we picked up our movie tickets at the sub, we just started dancing to the music that was playing in the quad. I love being weird. Dr. Seuss was right.

AND THEN WE SAW THE AVENGERS. SO legit. 

Friday:

I could not move this morning. I could not think straight. Everything felt like it was in slow motion. I know I texted Erik, and it’s kind of creepy to look at the ones I sent trying to explain I didn’t feel well because they look like they were sent by someone who was dying, or at least not functioning. So many typos and they just didn’t make much sense. 

I’ve had to sleep pretty much all day. I wasn’t able to get up until about 7:30pm. I don’t know whether it’s the new rx, withdrawal from the old one, or just one of those days where I have to sleep. I have to keep taking this new medicine for a week though, so we’ll see what happens tomorrow.

And that’s basically it.

Just getting to bed after gymnastics, therapy, and spending seven hours working on a final project that’s due in eight and a half hours.

GOODNIGHT

Sorry for the absence, but my body likes to troll me on a daily basis.

Thursday:

We presented our sketches on Tuesday, and they were pretty good. Like I said before, our design is pretty elaborate and creative. It does more than just get the job done, and I like that. 

Erik and I went to his house to hang out while he did laundry, but I had to take is car and go back to school to get started on my cad lab stuff during office hours, but it took longer than I thought since I wasn’t the only one there, so I left to pick him up because he had to rehearse his scene and repeat before Meisner. I came back, got something to eat really quickly, then went to rehearse MY scene and repeat. 

Meisner was good. Our scene was good; we tried a lot of different ways of doing it. I’m excited to perform it for our final next week :) I wish it didn’t have to stop during the summer, though! 

After that, Erik and I went to get something to eat, but when we got back to his dorm, I was slapped across the face with a huge bout of CFS and everything else that’s wrong with me. I can seriously be my version of “fine” one second, and then it all goes downhill REALLY quickly. I can go from 0 to 60 in less than a second, and that’s scary. I was REALLY dizzy, nauseous, and tired. I fell asleep and woke up, but couldn’t move. It was time for me to go home, but I had to have Erik get my phone so I could text my mom and tell her that I was WAY too sick to go anywhere. I know my mom draws the line at me sleeping over, but there was seriously nothing I could do and no way that I could have prevented it. I stumbled to the bathroom and came out crying because I thought my parents were going to be mad at me, and I just felt so sick and needed them to understand. I was afraid of sitting down or lying down again because I knew I wouldn’t be able to get back up again. My mom finally just told me to stay there and sleep, so I did. I was really sick and drifting in and out. I remember getting covered with my jacket, being given my phone, and turning around because I fell asleep facing the end of the bed and kind of hogging it. Every so often I’d wake up a little bit from a hug or a kiss, and that made me feel better.

Friday:

I woke up that morning and felt like CRAAAAP. I know I looked like it, too, but I don’t think there’s anything quite as wonderful as waking up next to someone you truly love.

Erik went to work and I went home to take my medicine, since I couldn’t take it the night before. I showered, and went back to sleep. I went to school to work on our final project even more, but we moved it to Monday, so I went back home. 

When my dad came home, we went out to dinner for my mom’s birthday, which was the day before, but I didn’t get to do anything with the family since I was at school all day and then I was so sick. I felt really bad that I couldn’t be there on the actual day. :/

After that, I got dressed and went over to Erik’s to get ready for the theatre end of the year banquet. The theme was Superheroes and Supervillains,  I trimmed his hair and got to put eyeliner on him since he was going as emo Peter Parker from Spiderman 3. We decided I was Black Widow. 

I ACTUALLY WON SOMETHING. I got three different things for being part of Suddenly Last Summer, being part of the chorus of Suddenly Last Summer, and teching Almost Maine, but people actually voted me as Best Backstage Hand! I was like….wtf. It was a pleasant surprise. I love college; it’s been the exact opposite of high school. It feels wonderful to actually be appreciated and noticed; to really be a part of something.

Saturday:

Well, I spent about 17 hours of today sleeping. My body was just like, “Oh, you wanted to do stuff today? HahahaNO.” I couldn’t wake up or move. My dreams were so vivid and real that I didn’t know I was asleep. I couldn’t really speak. My mom had to force me to eat and drink something. I hate having to be watered like a plant when I’m sick like that. It’s pretty pathetic. I’m glad that they actually do it, though, so I don’t get dehydrated and sicker. 

At about 6:30, I was able to get up. I got dressed and ready and went to Jamie’s house. I was so glad to finally see her! I miss her so much! 

We went out to eat at CPK and then Starbucks. It was so good to just talk about everything. She is amazing. 

We went back to her house and skyped her boyfriend, since I had never met him before. That’s my job as a best friend! :P I like him, though. He’s really nice and he makes her happy, and that’s all that matters to me :) 

and then I went home, and now I’m just typing this, answering messages, and listening to music. 

Monday:

Went to religion, and that was fine. After that, though, I had to work on a design project. We had to make a scale model of the set we created in freaking 1/4” scale, and it took FOUR HOURS. Everything has to be so precise, it’s ridiculous. We had to paint everything white for the next part of the project. But omg. So painstaking. I got a bunch of Zap-a-Gap on my fingers, and at one point I was just sitting there scraping it off of my fingers with an x-acto razor knife because my job was done. 

Then, we participated in a staged reading for Martin’s play that he wrote and that we’ll be doing in the blackbox next year. That was fun! :) I liked being able to read for something that one of my friends actually wrote. The other staged reading that happened that night was amazing, and my friend Kelsey was PEEERFECT for the role she was reading for. The script was so beautifully written and endearing. I loved it :)

Tuesday:

We presented our model in design and that went well. Ours was by far the most complex; probably because we had two theatre majors in our group instead of one. Nate took pictures of it and then printed them out so we could sketch on them, which was the next step. 

I went over to see Erik for a little bit and totally got knocked out after he left for class and ended up taking a huge nap in his bed and totally surprised him when he came back. lol. 

Erik went to rehearsal and I went home to rest and eat before gymnastics. I got to the gym that night AND MORGAN WAS THERE!! :D :D I missed her so much and I was so elated to see her!! I never get to see her outside of the gym because we live on opposite sides of town, so we’re in different wards. It was SO good to have her back. Gymnastics wasn’t that great to me, though. I was weak and dizzy, and I got a lot of head rushes and near blackouts. Gymnastics is dangerous when you can’t go full out. You need a lot more of a spot, and you don’t have the power to do anything well. I hate that. I hate it when my arms shake when I’m holding a handstand or stopping after only one back handspring because I can’t see anymore. It sucks. I hate being on the ground. I love to fly.

Erik called me while I was driving and when I listened to the voicemail when I got home, I could tell something was wrong. He needed someone to accompany him on the piano for his performance forum the next day. I went to see if I could play it, and technically I could, but I am so out of practice…I haven’t played regularly since I got depressed. Now it’s rare. He found someone to accompany him so we went back to his dorm. I didn’t feel well, but I didn’t want to go home.

ALL THREE OF THE GIRLFRIENDS FINALLY WERE IN THE DORM AT THE SAME TIME! It finally happened! It was really fun :) I like everyone there and I like hanging out with them. We watched Top Shot, and the competitors got to use grenade launchers like a BOSS. AND crossbows!! So jealous. Those are LEGIT. Erik fell asleep. He’s been working so hard, and I’m so proud. Proud of him, and proud to be his. I just love him :)

Wednesday:

Today, my body decided to not let me do anything; hooraaay! Not. I was asleep for pretty much the whole day. Today was weird, though. A lot of things were just off. I was thrown off. It just wasn’t good. 

Uuuugh I realized that I have to go to office hours for cad lab help…that shouldn’t take too long, though, since I’ll also have all class on Friday to work and the deadline has been extended to Tuesday since the wrong scale was printed on there. So I have time.

And I’ll have time with Erik after Meisner, yeeaaah! :D 

It’s weird: I remembered something today, but I don’t remember if it happened in real life or in one of my dreams. It was just me driving and seeing lightning, which actually could have been real because we had thunder and lightning last week. I just don’t know if it was real or not, which is kind of creepy. 

People say deja vus mean that you’re where you’re supposed to be.

I found a picture of my sisters and me right before sixth grade graduation. It makes me feel old. And proud.

and now I’m just chilling listening to music, scrolling through tumblr, watching tv and youtube because the phone’s gonna ring.

Next week is finals, and then I’m done with my first year of college. Hooraaay! Then we’ll all actually have time. 

I want to go to the beach at least once this summer because last summer I spent almost all of summer in a cast and couldn’t go.

and Disneyland.

and now I’m just rambling…

Saturday:

I was well enough to make it to work! :) It was great to finally be back in the gym, even if I wasn’t tumbling. It’s seriously the best job ever. I love vacuuming and singing along to the Pokemon theme song. I mean, what other job lets you do that? I love my gym friends. I love how we can have fun no matter what we’re doing :) It’s fantastic.

After that, I showered and went to Jekyll & Hyde, the school’s musical. I brought my family :) Erik’s in it, and he always does an AWESOME job! And no, I’m not just biased. My friends are all pretty much in it, too, and they are SO talented! It’s absolutely fabulous. I wish I got to be in it, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch it. lol. 

My parents met Erik’s parents, and that went well. My dad acted like a normal human being and not an overprotective Mufasa. lol. I went out to dinner with Erik and his parents afterwards, and that was fun. Then Erik and I went back to his dorm because I still had time before I had to be home. I freakin love cuddling. There is no place I feel safer than when we’re lying side by side with my head on his chest and his arms around me. Nowhere.

He gave his keys to Jeremy and Will so they could drive themselves back to campus, and Jeremy still had his keys buuuut was kind of asleep, so I was like…well crap what do I do now? I know my mom draws the line at having a sleepover, so being a good daughter, I called her and had her pick me up….le sigh. 

Sunday:

SO TIRED. I slept pretty much all day. I woke up around 12:30/1 and was up long enough to eat, then had to go back to sleep. I woke up again around eight. I read my scriptures and talked to Nicki on the phone. 

We have German chocolate cake and it is delicious and amazing!

Okay, my dog was totally cuddling with me today and it was adorable and fantastic. Later today, though, I was on my bed and he walked into the room, so I patted the bed so he’d come up and cuddle with me again, and he freaking RAN out of the room like he couldn’t get out of there fast enough with a little troll smile on his face. THAT LITTLE TROLL. SO rude. So rude, Dodger. See if I ever feed you scraps of human food again. I hate being dissed by my own pet. 

Poodles, man. They’re clever.

I have to work on my design project tomorrow after class, noooooo! :((( Jamie’s home now and I want to see her, BUT I HAVE TO DO THIS STUPID PROJECT. I want to spend time with Erik now that Jekyll’s over, BUT I HAVE TO DO THIS STUPID PROJECT.

Two more weeks; two more weeks…