College

I always knew that I wanted to go to college, but as the year I would enter it became closer and closer, I was unsure by what means and where I would be able to go. I live ten minutes away from a great community college so, with my health, I always figured it would be best for me just to go there. “After all,” I convinced myself, “my sisters are both going to college too. It will save money to go there.” I kept telling myself this as a way to sort of justify going there, but I never truly believed it. I knew I could achieve more, but I was afraid.

I was afraid to move out and go far away, because then I would be away from my family, my doctors, and my children’s hospital. After all the nights spent curled in my fathers arms, cold washcloth on my forehead, a bowl to vomit in next to me, and a cup of soon-to-be-flat Sprite on the end table, I knew in my heart that I could never live alone. I couldn’t tackle this on my own, because I couldn’t run from myself. I knew that to leave would mean almost certain failure.

I had taken the SATs once and did fairly well on them, especially the writing section. In the back of my mind, I still questioned whether I could ever hold a full time or even part time job, but I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I had told myself over and over again that I was doing everyone a favor by settling and going to this community college that was really a last resort for me. I had just about convinced myself that it was the only option until one late night in December, when I told myself, “no.” This was my LIFE I was talking about. I couldn’t keep living in fear; I couldn’t keep living in fear of myself and what my own body would do to me, so I compromised: It was too late to apply to the California State Universities or the UCs, but I found a middle ground. 

I spent the rest of winter break writing essays, signing papers, and getting transcripts together. I wasn’t sure if I’d get in anywhere, but I knew I needed to try. After all, the pain of discipline is never as great as the pain of regret.

After I had submitted all of my applications, there was nothing left to do but wait. I soon heard that I had gotten accepted to BYU Idaho, and honestly, I cried tears of joy. I never thought that I would be accepted to an out of state school like that, especially with my shaky health record. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. A few weeks later, I got two rejection letters, and both of the schools had rejected me based on my religion. To put it nicely, I was pissed. I am LDS, and we are a Christian church, and here I was, rejected from two Christian schools. However, they were both private schools, so there was nothing I could do about it. I knew I couldn’t dwell on it, so I eagerly awaited my next letter. It was an acceptance: California Lutheran University, a private university in the next town over. I was elated. I tore the envelope open and found more good news awaiting me inside: I had received a $48,000 scholarship to that school. Again, I cried. Just weeks prior, I had never thought that I was going to get any scholarship money from a school, much less apply to any of them. I ran to show my parents. I couldn’t believe it: my dreams were slowly coming true.

A few weeks later, another large envelope came for me in the mail: I was accepted to Whittier University and had received the highest scholarship possible for an incoming freshman: $19,000 a year. That was about two thirds of tuition covered. My dad had just taken my dog on a walk, so I ran down the hill to the park by my house barefoot to tell him the good news. Once again, I found myself in happy tears, unable to keep from smiling. My parents were so proud, and I felt so proud to be able to make them feel that way. 

In the end, I chose to go to CLU, as it is the closest to my home, but just far away enough to commute to school. I am studying theatre with a performance emphasis. I want to change the world. I want to believe that I can make this world a better place by helping people, and also through my art and my truth. I know I’m just one person, but I’m driven enough to believe in myself. I want to become the person that nobody knew how to be for me. I want to look at others and be able to tell them that things DO get better. I want to be able to watch them grow to love themselves and, above all, to be happy. This is my ultimate goal in life, and it is slowly coming true. I know that if I work hard enough, it will happen. 

So because of one night in late December when I chose to take a chance in believing in myself, I have given myself not only a goal to work towards, but a future, and that is more than I could have ever asked for, and I am so excited to begin.