This morning was strange.

I woke up kind of early for me, and I was wide awake, so I read a little. About an hour passed, and I hit a wall called CFS. I only had two hours before I had to leave for work, but I couldn’t stay awake. I had a dream I was in New York. I was walking in a park with my mom and sisters, and we stopped to talk to this old man walking his dogs. For some reason I had to change my clothes, so I was running up the streets to wherever we lived. It was really hilly, like San Francisco, which is strange. I remember kind of falling in love with it, though, kind of like the way I love San Francisco. I was running up the street, and I thought to myself that I should tell Erik that that’s where he should go to grad school. I pulled out my phone to tell him, but in dreams, whatever you’re looking at changes when you look away and look back, so I couldn’t get the numbers or letters right. I remember realizing that I was in a dream, but I didn’t care because it was so lovely. 

It was really hard to wake myself up. When I get tired like that, I literally can’t stay conscious. My mind is muddled and I have strange, half-conscious thoughts, and I can’t pull myself out of it. It’s like trying to walk through molasses. I try so hard to keep my eyes open, but they flutter close and my eyes roll back and my body can’t fight it. It’s so hard to explain to others, because it sounds like I’m just really tired, but it’s so much more than that. I can’t fight it. I’m physically unable to. It’s really frustrating and REALLY strange. 

I forced myself to wake up, which took a LONG time. It was really hard to do so, and I always feel kind of funny afterwards. I don’t feel right. But I made it to work! It was great :) I absolutely love my job. I smiled the second I walked into the gym. I miss it so much. I did a few layouts and even just walkovers, but I still get an insane head rush that literally brings me to my knees. I get so dizzy I can’t stand, and my vision blacks out. I thought it was just because I had been so weak, but I’m stronger now, and it’s not better. I’m afraid that it won’t go away, because I can’t fight through it; I just have to wait until it’s over. It’s scary to think that it won’t, because I love flying too much to ever stop. I need it.

I feel really old there. It’s been six years since I first stepped foot in that gym, and I’m as old as Keith was when I first met him, which is strange to think about. The girls that I workout and work with were born in years that I consciously remember, and it’s weird. Next month, I’ll be nineteen and a half, then six months from then, I’ll be twenty. It’s just so…weird. I think it’s also because I don’t have any older siblings, or any that don’t share my birthday, actually. I don’t know. 

I know people care, but it is my freaking pet peeve when people ask me what my back up plan is when they hear I’m a theatre major. Most of the world doesn’t really understand. I’m doing what I love though, and that’s all that matters.

I came home and spent hours working on my project for Design 167, then had to go to Michael’s to get more paint and construction paper. I’m still not done, but I’ll finish tomorrow. I don’t have a whole lot left to do. 

WHY WASN’T ALAN RICKMAN NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR?! That man deserves an Oscar more than anyone.

I get to see Jamie next Monday and I’m so excited! :D 

I really need a hair cut, but I’m either busy or I’m sick.

I also need a massage. Two words: trigger points.